Just because i have a boyfriend, Doesn’t mean i don’t secretly still like you, miss you, and want you. Just because i have a boyfriend doesn’t mean i forgot how i fucked up. it just means im trying my hardest to not look like you crushed me. even though you kind of did, it was my fault.

Part Seventeen : Home.

Home is where you have somewhere to go back to. That is my belief. Going home, starting my lfie over, with my family. It sounds nice. But i know it won’t be. I know the moment i walk through the front door of their house in god knows where colorado, I will be viewed as a ghost, or at least treated like one. My sisters will follow my mothers example and ignore me, hate me and my life will be miserable. It shouldn’t be like that. I am not going home, I am leaving it. Steven was, no is, My home. The longing to go home, with him. it aches in my stomache, It crawls up my spine, and through my skin. I can feel my body needing him, needing what he could give me. Comfort. Love. Something to feel.
The ride was long, and drawn out. Two days of driving to get to a town called greeley in Colorado. If i thought bakersfield was a shit town, Then this place would be hell. The streets are all labeled in numbers, and its easy to get lost. Its cold as fuck, With snow on the ground 24/7, it smells like cow shit all the time and I am running out of my secret stash. I am two states away from any dealer i know of, and i am not going to let myself go through withdrawls again. I would probobly go through love withdrawls as well, because i am definately getting none of that here.
My room is nice, and so is the house. My parents have always lived in nice houses, so this house didn’t surprise me. With a bar in the basement, and a crazy floor plan, i actually love the house. Just everyone inside just fucking sucks, and this thing called addiction is eating away at me, and im eating away at the last of my glass.
Not good. For a couple reasons. One. I can’t handle being an outcast without crystal by my side. Pathetic, i know, but we all have weaknesses and mine is rejection. I can hear judas screaming to run back home, but the little angel is telling me to stay. Whom do i listen to?
Of course. You would say the little angel. Stay, get sober, Get a life, But its not that easy. Nor am i having it. I will not be an outcast in this family any longer. I’ll leave it. I should be doing them all a favor, getting rid of the only problem in their pitch perfect lives. Maybe they deserve a good life, maybe i should help them get that.
Steven hasn’t answered his phone in the past three days, but tonight i need him. I literally have dust in my little bag, and i am hitting an empty pipe. it’s disgusting. I call and i call, and i call until i finally hear the sweet melody of his deepened voice speak my name.
“Tyler, Baby, I have missed you so much, i dont think i can do this without you.” he says, almost choking on tears.
I want him. I need him. I feel the exact same way, and i tell him that. I also tell hm i am coming home.
“How are you going to get here?” he asks, but i dont tell him.
“I am buying a bus ticket, i borrowed my moms credit card, don’t worry i will be safe.” I throw in the sweetest voice i could, and made sure that he had no suspiscion of how i really plan to reach my home.
I have heard of hitchhiking, and i have also done it before. Although i have never stood near a highway with my thumb out, I know how it works. I should buy a bus ticket, but i can’t. Actually, i won’t. I have the plan in my head, and pursue it immediately after i hang up with steven.
As i tiptoe through the dark, and up the stairs silently, i can hear the little angel screaming and throwing a tantrum i had never expeirenced before. I could hardly think with his screaming and crying, and his begging. He choked on tears telling me not to give up, but i ignored him. I slowly open my parents door, and creep inside.
My mother’s credit card is in her purse, which is on her side of the bed. I get down, and slither like a snake towards her purse. Once there, I slipped in, got what i needed, and scurried out of the room. Tonight is the night i leave, for good.
Never looking back. I am a survivor, not a fighter. I merely survive the horrible, and get through it, while others fight against it, and sometimes claim a sweet victory.
I Love steven, and i will not stay here. Its not my home. I can’t live somewhere where i m not truly loved, where people do not want me. To live as a nuisance, an outcast, is a curse. A curse that i am breaking. Tonight.
I rummage through my clothes, and find what i like, and will wear once i have left. Once i am all packed, I Make sure i have the credit card in my pocket still and open my bedroom door to head down the stairs.
The pin number of everything my parents own has always been the same since i were a little kid, and they make allot of money, so a few hundred bucks missing won’t do them any harm. I twist the knob to my door and tip toe down the stairs with my bag slinged over my back, I hear a door open. I quickly swing around the corner and press my stomache and face to the wall. Sheilding myself from whomever had just opened the door.
From the foot steps coming down, i can tell who it is. Small, petite, It’s bryanna. She walks past me, and into the kitchen, I sigh in relief and set my bag down.
I walk over to her, and when she sees me she looks confused. “Hey, I thought you were asleep.” I say, but she looks me up and down. I am dressed to wlak through snow, which is exactly what i am about to do.
“I can’t sleep, Where are you going?” she asks stepping closer with a glass of water in her hand spilling a little over to the tile.
“Bryanna, I love you.” Its all i can say, because i love her and i dont want to leave HER, i just need to leave all of them. Its a pity that she is part of my goodbye.
“What? I love you too… but…” She looks over tot he stairs and sees my bag, and then looks back up to me. Realization hits her face as tears weld up.
“your leaving again aren’t you?” she isnt whispering anymore, and i can hear the sorrow in her voice trickle out with every word.
I can’t help but to tear up as well. But i am leaving, i have already made the decision. Its a hard one to make, and also a wrong one. But again, I am prone to making wrong decisions, ntohing has changed, therefor i neeed to not critiscize myself right now.
I say nothing. she lets the tears fall down her rosy cheeks and lets out a small cry as she lunges into my chest, holding me tight.
“Tyler please don’t go, Please, I love you so much, Brooke is gone, and if you leave ill be all alone, Mom and dad will get over whatever happened, I will make them, Please, I need my brother!”
She starts crying, and i sh her as i run my fingers through her hair, holding her tight.
Judas feels no sympathy whatsoever, and is screaming to leave. The little angel is lecturing me, and me? I am crying, Wishing i could stay, but i know i can’t. I won’t. I know myself, and i know that ic annot handle what is going on here, But i can’t leave now.
I say nothing as i lead her up to her room, and lay in her bed with her. WE lay there as she settles down, and as i let my fingers run back and forth accross her smooth brow, She slowl drifts off repeating the same thign over and over.
“Please, Please, dont leave.”
her voice is soft, without the slightest scratch. Her seawater eyes slowly disapear behind her eyelids as the last of her pleads escape her pretty pinks lips.
I am her brother, and i should be here for her, but i can’t. I wish i could, but i am too messed up. She has no idea who her brother is. A meth addict. A Whore. A Liar. A Cheater. A person she doesn’t want to be, or even look up to.
I slowly slip out of her comforters, and out of her grasp, and tiptoe out of the room. I can feel the tears like rainfall, and the mistake i am making grow with every step.
As i open the front door, i feel the biting cold take hold of my face, and i begin to embrace the adventure ahead.